


The Urania Makes for A Shitty Hotel

by LiterallyThePresident



Category: The Penumbra Podcast, Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Dungeons and Dragons, spoilers for season one of Penumbra, the gang plays DnD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-11 23:04:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16861738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyThePresident/pseuds/LiterallyThePresident
Summary: “What’s the campaign?” he asked curiously.“Sci-fi detective noir.” Eiffel grinned, “Set on Mars.” Okay, Jacobi had to admit, that did sound interesting. His thoughts must have shown on his face, because Minkowski spoke up next.“My character’s name is Juno Steel.” she said, “He’s a disaster of a detective with a drinking problem and a lot of personal issues.”





	The Urania Makes for A Shitty Hotel

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanted to write some dnd stuff and ended up with the Penumbra podcast being a campaign

Of all the things Jacobi expected to see when he walked into the living area of the _Urania_ , the crew of the _Hephaestus_ seated around a table covered in dice and paper and staring at said dice with intense focus was not it.

“Roll another check to resist the gas.” Lovelace was saying, and Minkowski rolled a D20.

“Thirteen.” she said.

“Alright, you’re getting weaker, but you’re not out yet.” Lovelace said, “But the woman is still in the room, and she’s still armed.”

“I search for her.” Minkowski said, and Jacobi just had to cut in then.

“Are you guys... playing Dungeons and Dragons?” he blinked. They all turned to look at him, having not noticed his presence before.

“Oh, hey Jacobi.” Eiffel was the first to greet him, “Yeah, we are. Taking advantage of the artificial gravity. DnD is _way_ easier to play when you have gravity. Wanna join?”

“Uh... what?” he blinked, but Eiffel didn’t take the words back, “You want _me_ to join?”

“The more the merrier.” Lovelace shrugged, “Even if it is you.”

“As long as you behave.” Hera’s voice came sternly through the speakers. Jacobi thought about it for a moment, interest piqued. He _was_ bored. Alana and Kepler were both busy. Maybe...

“What’s the campaign?” he asked curiously.

“Sci-fi detective noir.” Eiffel grinned, “Set on Mars.” Okay, Jacobi had to admit, that did sound interesting. His thoughts must have shown on his face, because Minkowski spoke up next.

“My character’s name is Juno Steel.” she said, “He’s a disaster of a detective with a drinking problem and a lot of personal issues.”

“I accidentally seduced her!” Eiffel piped up. Jacobi raised an eyebrow at that, and Eiffel clarified, “My character is a thief, and I was undercover and rolled to knock Juno out and steal his key, but I crit failed and kissed him instead and got arrested.”

“So now my poor detective is pining after that idiot.” Minkowski sighed, “Because I thought it would be a funny little subplot.”

“I escaped.” Eiffel beamed, putting on a voice that was, frankly, ridiculously theatric, “Because no prison can hold galaxy-renowned thief Peter Nureyev!”

“Then he came back and now they’re on a train heist and it’s hilarious.” Hera chimed in, “Minkowski failed a perception check and so Juno thought Nureyev’s doodles were a secret code and got paranoid.”

“So what’s Lovelace doing here?” Jacobi asked, “No offense, Captain, but you don’t strike me as the DnD type.”

“You’d be wrong. But I’m literally just here to play the dumbass since I joined the campaign so late.” Lovelace grinned, “My character is Juno’s childhood friend named Mick Mercury and he’s a stupid bitch idiot and I love him. We had a whole theme park adventure to get him settled in the canon.”

“She mostly just DMs.” Hera explained, “But every now and then Mick appears to ruin everything, and since Rita and Mick don’t usually meet, I take over DMing when Lovelace is busy making Juno’s life harder since Hilbert _refuses_ to join us.”

“Just the way I like it.” Lovelace snorted.

“Rita?” Jacobi asked, “Is that your character, Hera?”

“That’s right! I’m Rita!” she put on a fake accent and a piercing voice, “Mistah Steel’s loyal and brilliant and absolutely perfect secretary!”

“We would all die for Rita.” Eiffel said seriously, and the others nodded in agreement. There was a moment of quiet, and then he continued, “So what do you say? Wanna join?” Jacobi looked around the table. The girls didn’t seem opposed to the idea. So what could be the harm?

“Hm. I guess it couldn’t hurt.” Jacobi shrugged, “Alright, sure. But I wanna be a villain.”

“Perfect.” Lovelace grinned, “We actually needed one soon because my current villain, the psycho anthropologist Miasma, is gonna be done pretty soon. Any ideas?”

“A politician.” he said instantly, “The ultimate villain. And since you’re all picking porn star names for your characters, I’m gonna do it too.”

“They are _not_ porn star names!” they all sputtered, causing Jacobi to raise an unimpressed eyebrow.

“Juno Steel. Mick Mercury.” he said flatly, “Porn star names.” Minkowski and Lovelace grumbled, but they couldn’t really argue. His point made, Jacobi continued, “I’m gonna name myself after a really well known villain. Maybe Sheev or Gaston. Oooh! I’ve got it. Ramses.”

“After the biblical Pharaoh?” Hera asked.

“Exactly.” Jacobi nodded, “And maybe just like a normal-ass surname just to throw everyone off. Ramses Smith. Ramses Johnson. Or you know what? I had an asshole boss once named O’Flaherty. Let’s go with that.”

“Okay, Ramses O’Flaherty.” Lovelace laughed, writing it all down, “So you come up with your backstory and personality and shit while we continue this train heist. Ramses won’t be needed for a bit.” Jacobi nodded and took the offered paper, immediately losing himself in stats and backstory. The campaign continued, the heist completed and Hera gasping when Juno and Peter were captured by Miasma. Jacobi just could not take Eiffel seriously when he put on that fake dramatic voice for Peter. He thought it was the funniest shit he’d ever heard. 

“So Juno is being tortured by Miasma.”

Lovelace said to Eiffel, “You can hear him crying out, and you’re absolutely helpless.”

“Hey Minkowski.” Jacobi said while Eiffel responded to Lovelace, “If Juno isn’t needed right this second, I have a few ideas about Ramses’ backstory I wanna run by you.” Soon their heads were bowed over the paper, suggestions and requests being thrown back and forth as Eiffel and Lovelace enacted Peter’s daring escape.

By the end of the session, everyone was an absolute mess at Minkowski’s decision to leave Peter in the hotel room. It was carnage. Eiffel was so upset he’d thrown his dice, and Lovelace was gesturing wildly at her, too outraged to speak. Even Jacobi was pissed at the outcome, having gotten attached to the characters really quickly.

And that’s how Kepler found them. Shouting over each other about love and lies and broken promises.

“You broke his heart!” Eiffel yelled, heartbroken.

“It’s for character development!” Minkowski defended, “And to show how self-destructive his thinking is!”

“What am I gonna do now!?” Eiffel demanded, “If Peter isn’t around, do I have to go back to being Sasha Wire!?”

“You can be the next minor villain while Lovelace figures out how to reincorporate Peter into the story!” Minkowski exclaimed, “And Jacobi and I have decided that Juno has a dead brother so maybe we can weave in some hallucinations or something so you can play that role!”

“Nothing will replace Peter!” Eiffel wailed, and Jacobi nodded in solemn agreement.

Kepler pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply.


End file.
